Interpreting Our Sexual Experiences
When a man is stimulated sexually by a partner he finds it difficult to avoid becoming aroused. Similarly, if a woman's response to penile thrusting (or any other physical stimulation technique) was automatic then women would presumably be unable to avoid becoming aroused whatever their conscious desires. The truth is that women have to learn how to orgasm.
"I only ever orgasm with a partner through oral sex and only if he's really good at it. Lots of my girlfriends claim they come during intercourse but to be honest, I don't believe them. I'm sexually educated and have a high, healthy libido and if I don't have vaginal orgasms, I can't see why they would." (p102 Hot Sex 1998)
If only we could all apply such good common sense to life! We have very few channels for sharing our sexual experiences. Sometimes we assume that others must experience real life quite differently to ourselves even though there is no logical reason why they should. So don't take too much notice of what other people say because bluffers, fakers and sex surveys do not provide reliable sex information.
"Read all the sex surveys you want but you still won't really know what other people do in bed because what people say and what people do are two totally different things." (p275 Hot Sex 1998)
The sexual fantasy view of female sexuality
When I have tried to talk to others about sex (not as a teenager but as a mature woman), I have been shocked by how defensive people can be. I accept that there are women who claim to have easy orgasmic sex from day one and I am very happy for them. But this is not the case for all women.
Don't get me wrong - I would love to believe that couples can enjoy the mutual and easy sexual pleasure portrayed in porn movies and erotic novels. It's just that, for me, reality never matched up and I think it is more useful to work with reality rather than hanker after some impossible-to-achieve fantasy. Sexual ego is harmful if it prevents us from keeping an open mind and being willing to learn from our real-life sexual experiences.
Personally, I have never found the so-called 'G-spot' nor have I experienced multiple orgasms. There are plenty of jokes about nymphomaniacs but I have never met a woman with this condition in real life. Whether these aspects of female sexuality are myths or simply rare occurrences, they undermine any attempt to generalise about the average woman's experience of sex.
My partner joked that he will most likely to die of old age before he gets around to trying all the different suggestions on the web for locating a woman's G-spot! The G-spot may be amazing but if it is so obscure then just how useful is it to the average couple? This search for the holy grail is yet another indication of how many women struggle with orgasm during sex.
As soon as I experienced a lack of sexual arousal during sex with a partner, I suspected that descriptions of women's ability to orgasm easily during sex must be fictitious. So why have women not stood up and said: "But that's ridiculous. My body and brain just do not react like that!"
One obvious reason is personal embarrassment. Another is that, although as heterosexual women our physical responses must be similar, our emotional interpretation of our sexual experiences can be quite different depending on our attitude and our expectations.
Finally we are all, often quite subconsciously, guilty of becoming defensive of our sexual fantasies and sexual egos. Emotionally we want to believe the fantasy because we cannot accept the facts even when they are laid out before us. The concept of 'that's just the way it is - take it or leave it' does not appeal.
Unfortunately, sex information for women is often misleading and advice is often vague because, for the most part, sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction and young people's ignorance of the basic sexual facts. In fact, there is no intentional campaign to disseminate misinformation but simply a lack of understanding in an intensely personal area of our lives.
By Jane Thomas
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